Before I embark on the exciting tale of my birth experience as a public patient at Mercy Hospital for Women in Heidelberg, I would like to point out 5 important things :-
1. You are totally awesome! Thanks for tuning in to my new blog *mwah* You may be sitting on the train to work or you need a bit of bedtime reading or you could be sitting on the loo thrusting out a big poo - but wherever you are, I hope to give you a lot of blog reading pleasure!
2. Do NOT read this post if you are about to give birth as you may not want to open your legs to pop that sprog as I did have a bit of a traumatic experience...! But you're going to ignore me and read on, aren't you?
3. I look TERRible and horrIFIC { = TERRIFIC! I wish!!! } in the photos thanks to Mr LOL's insane ability to capture my ugly moments. If you think the photos in this post are bad, you should see the ones I have at home with my wide-open legs up in the air. Definitely NOT suitable for anyone's eyes!!!
4. I didn't have a birth plan except to "wing it" and do all it takes to get the baby out safely. Every mother has a different birth experience so I'm just sharing mine.
5. It's a long story so grab a drink and sit comfortably. It may also contain #TMI { = Too Much Info } and scenes of a squeamish nature. Proceed with caution.
Let's begin...
...with a cute pic of my Mum holding my newborn bubba Bunty girl...
15th December 2013 - EDD
EDD. The estimated due date of the baby. The day we have all been waiting for. But only 4% of women actually give birth on their EDD. I was already the size of TWO whales { I piled on 25 kgs } but absolutely nowt happened.
In fact, my Mum, Mr LOL and I play Candy Crush all day on our iPads. Just before we head to bed, Mr LOL completes all the levels (at that time) of Candy Crush and turns to talk to my bump, "Okay, Bunty come out and play with Daddy. I'm ready now." She responds with a little kick to my ribs.
16th December 2013 - Waters Broken
Around 2am, I wake up to pee and discover that my knickers are slightly wet! I am convinced my waters have broken but Mr LOL thinks I am being a drama-mama-to-be and declares that I have most likely peed my pants and goes back to sleep.
An hour and a half later, I get up again to go to the toilet. I check my sanitary pad that I whacked on and it is dry. I am totally disappointed, but just as I stand up, I feel a trickle run down my leg and it is at this precise moment that I KNOW my waters have broken.
"OH MY GASSSH!! MY WATERS HAVE BROKEN!!! I FELT IT TRICKLE DOWN MY LEG!!! WAKE UP MR LOL!!!!"
I expect him to leap out of bed and to take me to the hospital at the speed of Superman. Instead, Mr LOL lays there like a lump of lard and opens one eye and says, "Nah, the doctors will just send you home because your labour hasn't started yet." And he turns and buries his face further into his pillow.
Long story short, we eventually head to the hospital to get assessed. After an inconclusive sniff test { yep, they sniffed my knickers to see if it was urine! }, they perform a swab test and discover that my waters have indeed broken { like duh! } but as there is no progression of labour, I would need to return the next day at 6am to get labour induced.
"Go home and rest up because you have a big day tomorrow!" - they said.
I translated it as, "Go eat your FAVOURITE roast duck noodles because you're hungry!" { I lived on Roast Duck Inn Roast Duck Noodles during pregnancy, I kid you not! }
17th December 2013 - THE DAY I POPPED A SPROG!
5am - Selfie Time!
First, let us take a selfie! I have fun snapping the last few photos of my precious bump! We just cannot wait to bring our bundle of joy home! I simultaneously wonder why the heck I never cleaned my dirty mirror throughout my pregnancy! I will have forever dirty bump photos.
6.30am - Induction
Checked in at hospital, signed forms, stripped off, hooked up to IV, considered live tweeting / Facebooking of the event with hashtag #lingslabour but decided to savour the precious moment instead, apply red lippy { because
beauty blogger! } and then the doctor comes into my birthing suite...
"I need to break your waters as only your hind waters broke yesterday."
"Okay cool."
She takes out what looks like a knitting needle and proceeds to jab it up there. GUSHHHHH!!!! It's like a big neverending flood but at least it's warm. Like warm pee.
"Your baby's hand is raised and popping out your cervix so I need to pinch it away to allow your cervix to dilate."
"Okay cool."
It turns out that "Okay cool" is my favourite default phrase throughout labour.
"I have to lie in my pool of warm fluid for hours and have my legs spread wide apart and strapped into stirrups? Okay cool."
10.30am - I NEED AN EPIDURAL! STAT!
Kudos if you have a drug-free painless birth. But
F this bleep!I have gone over my pain threshold and NEED an epidural. I also get a catheter stuck in as I can't get out of bed to go to the loo. "Okay cool."
Unfortunately, Bunty does not like the epidural nor does she likes the IV induction drugs so it needs to be adjusted till her heart rate is stabilised.
3pm - Oh Hai There!
My cervix is still not dilated because guess what? Bunty has raised up her left hand again!!! She thinks she is Supergirl and she can fly out my ladybits. Yeah, if only it was THAT simple!
6pm - Sponge My Bob!
Mr LOL thinks it is hilarious to take unflattering photos of me with a Konjac Sponge on my forehead. Very mature!! Do you know that you're going to be a FATHER in a few hours?!!!
{ Side note : Preggo ladies, pack a Konjac Sponge in your hospital bag! Great way to cool you down during labour / mop up sweat / wash your face / pose with #spongeselfie }
7.30pm - Sh*t Is Getting Real!
The 3rd midwife takes over as the others' shifts have ended. I can't believe I have forgotten her name. But she is young in her twenties and has cool blonde hair with an awesome hair undercut. When she declares that it is "time to push", my Mum scurries outside and Mr LOL goes into Ultra-Supportive-Birth-Partner mode!
Epidural gets turned down so I can feel the contractions and push when it stops. Yep, I can confirm that contractions are P.A.I.N.F.U.L.
Is the pushing part of giving birth like pooping out a big poo? YES! If your poos are usually the size of a giant hippo and they come out of your vagina, then yes! For everyone else who does delicate pebble poos, GOOD LUCK in getting that hipPOO out!
What's worse than having your legs akimbo and strapped into stirrups? Vomit. Yep, I decide to throw up. Not once, but three times. For luck.
8pm - The Hippo Is Stuck!
"Did you know that you have a cyst in your left uterine wall?"
"Ummm...I think they mentioned that I had a cyst during an ultrasound appointment..."
"Do you know what type of cyst it is?"
"
FOOK ME! How the heck should I know??? Check my EFFKING records!!! No idea."
"Well, the baby is stuck. We are going to set up the theatre and use forceps. If that doesn't work, you will need an emergency C-section."
*blink blink* WTF?!!! I don't know why but I kinda get pissed off.
It's been 42 hours since my waters broke and now you decide to do a C-section when she's halfway down my vagina??!!
I channel this inner fury into pushing.
And it works!!! { in retrospect, after sustaining 3rd degree tears, I wish I had that C-section! }
9.42pm - Welcome! We've Been Expecting You!
At the final push, Bunty slithers out of my ladybits and at the same time, she raises her left hand again - VICTORY FIST IN THE AIR!!! - and proceeds to rip my delicate bits to shreds. A third degree tear! Front to back! Thanks for that!
The midwife gives her a quick check before placing her on my chest. And at that SWEET moment, I know that all the blood, sweat and tears has been worth it. She's doped up from all the drugs so she doesn't cry...but it's okay, because I turn on the waterworks. Might as well since all my orifices have been opened up today!
She weighs in at 3.83kg (8lb 7 oz) - definitely a HIPPO! - and is 51cm long!
10pm +
This is when all the traumatic shizz happens. Placenta doesn't detach, doctor pushes, BIG SPLAT on the floor, bloodbath on the floor, so much blood loss...doctor PUSHES real hard and she manually removes placenta...blah blah...I drift in and out of consciousness...I can hear everything but I don't even have the energy to answer...I can't hold my baby anymore...I am sick again and again...they have to sew me up...bad tearing...I can't feed my baby colostrum so they have to use a syringe to aspirate it..."Are you okay Ling?"...OMG! I never want to go through this ever again!...Why can't I speak?...Open my eyes! Open them!!...Feed the baby...Get up!...Why is she taking so long to sew me back together??...What's happening??
18th December - After Midnight
My Mum is smitten with Bunty. I see that naughty left hand!!!
I am given more drugs, I am sewn up, I drink some water and I can finally interact again. I'm off the epidural and I can get out of bed to take a shower. I don't feel any pain thanks to the painkillers, I have to carry around a pee-bag as the catheter is still attached to me and I am no longer leaking out amniotic fluid but blood instead. YUKS!
After my shower, I am wheeled off with the baby to another delivery suite room because all the wards are full. Mr LOL and my Mum head home.
I am supposed to sleep but even though I am utterly exhausted, I turn to my side and just watch Bunty the entire night. I watch her breathe. I watch her cough and sneeze. Yep, newborn babies cough and sneeze a lot. I watch her tiny fingers move. Now and again, she lets off a little newborn cry and then goes back to sleep. Her eyes flutter open and then they close. And I thank God for this amazing beautiful blessing over and over and over again.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my incredible birth experience with you. Don't let it put you off having a hippo because our bundle of joy has brought us so much love and happiness.
